Dear Alexis,
Attending the 21-day process in Golden City India was absolutely incredible creating an extraordinarily healing for me as it enabled a deeper cleansing than ever before experienced in my life.
While I had already done four fearless and searching moral inventories in recovery from alcoholism, this went far deeper.
I began by preparing a list of all the persons I had harmed and was willing to make amends to every one of them. I then asked the Divine for a super strong bulldozer Diksha= Oneness Blessing, to help me in this process.
I sure got what I asked for as the very next day began with severe nausea, sweats and vomiting. I was totally knocked down physically! Throughout my life, I’ve taken excellent care of my physical health by exercising, but this day I was totally powerless and had to surrender completely to being ill. I pondered for a moment if this reaction was really a divine response to my prayers for a bulldozer Diksha or was it merely a coincidental food-borne bacterium that affected me.?
It really didn’t matter for I was immobilized and totally alone with my personal inventory of negative, selfish characteristics.
There was absolutely no escape this time; not even to get out of the bed and go to the bathroom.
I don’t remember any other time in my life when I went through such deep self-seeking in such a manner! There were momentary visits by friends which drove home the fact that I was unable to escape myself and the need for a 100% acceptance of who I was and what I’ve done in my relationships all my life. I saw patterns of behaviour and negatively charged personality characteristics that kept repeating throughout my life.
Images of people and events came into my consciousness and each memory focused on what I had done wrong to each person and things that I had left undone that I should have completed.
It was not in a chronological order as anyone would generally assume a life review to be, but it was nevertheless complete.
The most surprising one of all was the second oldest memory of my youth, where I hurt another little boy when he was physically hurting me fighting over some toy. I was hurt and angry with him and pushed him away, which led to his tripping and falling down a long flight of stairs!
Other individuals also came up in my mind with the same result.
I clearly saw my part in causing them harm, directly or indirectly.
I became aware that being physically imobile forced me to view my life’s experiences as if I was watching a movie. And truly, I could do nothing but keep watching all my life as it lucidly passed before my eyes! This was not Hollywood, just real life with real consequences in people’s lives.
I prayed that each person’s pain be lifted from them. For those whom I still affect, I prayed for the courage & strength to make amends to each one in a way that really will set things right for them; than merely relieving my guilt and shame. Praying with true concern for the well being of others instead of merely relieving my personal suffering and guilt brought immense peace within me. I felt grateful to stay with my pain and experience suffering fully! I came to believe that suffering indeed is sacred!
Two days passed and I was completely exhausted physically. Every sip of water, every bit of food that went in, came out. I was vomiting as though every fibre of my being was being tasked to help in trying to expel something that was no longer physically there!
It became clear that this was no longer about sickness of the body, but about cleansing my heart and soul as I had always yearned.
Seeing my responsibility in damaging my relationships brought me to the point of accepting my past behaviour and ALL its consequences.
I clearly saw my own ugliness.
At the same time, I realized the truth in what Sri Bhagavan says; when you jump into the tiger’s mouth (suffering) and allow your-self to be completely eaten, the experience of suffering ceases.
I embraced all the pain from my past that was not fully experienced like completely grieving for my son who died February 2005.
I felt such deep empathy for the suffering he had experienced in life.
I truly experienced others’ pain; not as my guilt, but as their pain.
It truly was a blessing. Now there is only joy, where once only numbness and pain prevailed. There is forgiveness and real peace.
It feels as though this process gives people a second chance to start anew without the burden of past wreckage, which we’ve been dragging so long like a ball & chain. While these experiences and the consequent increased awareness are the keys to peace and joy, I am clear that they cannot be imposed or forced upon others- for each person’s moment of truth must arrive in their own time.
Having experienced so much in only 21 days seems impossible to the mind. But, its true – I came to understand how all suffering and misery is a direct construct of the mind (ego) and that the ego must have something to resist to have the illusion of control; that the ego must create the turmoil or chaos to either be less than or better than others – the ego will create a problem or perceive a situation from a victim role then allowing the mind to justify all the ugliness of envy, anger, pride, lust, greed, jealousy, or laziness. It’s all an illusion in which the mind creates to exist.
By seeing the many personalities of the ego, it became clear that while this is just a seemingly endless stream of negative thoughts, it can all be easily transformed through Divine Grace. It’s clear that turning my will and my life over to the love of God, the mind loses its false sense of power.
A simple request of help from Divine Consciousness, causes the mind to lose its power to create problems and exist in pain and misery.
It’s clear that the mind is only an illusory construct.
As now, there is no suffering!
In this Divine Process, the sense of self was melted away and replaced with the awareness that we are all a part of God and God is in all of us in the form of our Antaryamin. Divine Beings intend to guide us, for the greater good – to manifest Divine Consciousness through us to others – to join with all humans and all creatures, nature and all of existence – to be part of God that is in all of us and in all things.
My experiences since leaving India have been a mixture of trial, surrender, and joy – feeling such deep connection with everyone and everything.
My senses are keener: sight being more vivid. The world looks bigger now and colors are brighter and richer; sounds are crisper and clearer – even faint sounds like the wind blowing through distant trees and bushes is now apparent. I can feel the animals in nature; birds, bunnies, and even spiders seem to stay closer now.
In Love and Peace,
Timothy Hutson: California, U.S.A.